So recently I said to Brian, “Love, you need to step it up this year with the camera. I want to be in some of the pictures. Just in case I croak early I want the kids to know they had a mother.” A couple of weeks ago he used my camera, rise and shine first thing in the morning. When I took a peek in the back of the viewfinder later I groaned, and I’ll tell you why in a sec. And then I just looked at them again tonight and had a different feeling, which was more in the peaceful category. Maybe that has something to do with the recent document that I’m part of this family in pictures, too.
I was surprised at my own reaction when I first saw the images. I did that thing that my clients sometimes do, typically the mamas over 40: I barely noticed the mood, the light, the everything, and instead went right to the details. My sunspots, and holy smokes I knew I had wrinkles but oh, and the unruly skin, and is that the makings of a double chin–while lying down? I was a little ashamed for thinking it, especially since I’m the first to council my photo subjects that that isn’t what we all see in the image, it’s more about the energy there, we’re our own worst critics, etc., etc. Let me just say it’s good for me to get in front of a camera once in a while and experience that little thing called empathy.
As much as I really want to say and believe that I truly don’t care about this stuff, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. But it’s not at all a melodramatic kind of thing, more of a quiet noticing, simply recognizing that heading towards 42 looks like this on me. It’s far from bad, and honestly I rather like my wrinkles and grey strands. It’s more that I don’t really feel this age, or what I thought this age would be. Or maybe it’s just that I’ll probably feel spry in body and a bit confused in mind about numbers and time moving so swiftly from here on out.
The next time my clients sigh and maybe disregard what I think of as a stunning image of them, I’ll let that space between their thoughts and mine linger a bit longer. I get it. But then I do want to reassure them.
Meanwhile, these pictures that Brian took grow on me. This is how we look in the morning, my kids and I. Playful, thoughtful, just happy to be together on this new day. Would I want to look untouseled and planned out, no. It wouldn’t show the us in us, and that is what I want my family to have a chance to peek back on down the road.


